Jokes Thread

[utkarsh30june]

HaHaHa, Great pictorial joke by nivek_hcerg

[bahirzaheri8]

Great joke nivek

[Mark]

lol.. nice joke- i heard that before but its still a good joke..

[heart reaper]

nice pics. i cant stop laughing lol!

[xje4bv]

1. The pope was working on a crossword puzzle one day when one of the bishops came in. He had been stuck on one particular word for quite a while so he decided to ask the bishop for help. "What's a four-letter word meaning woman, that ends in U-N-T?" he asked. The bishop thought for a moment and then said "aunt". "Thanks" replied the pope, "Do you have an eraser?"


2. A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and says hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."


3. Two guys are digging a ditch while the foreman yells orders at them. Finally, the first guy turns to his friend and asks "How come he's up there giving all the orders and we're down here doing all the work?" His friend says he doesn't know, so the first guy decides he's going to find out. He climbs out of the ditch, walks up to the foreman and asks why he gets to order them around. The foreman replies that it's because he's smarter than them. "Oh yeah?" says the guy, "Prove it!" "Ok" says the foreman, who then walks over to a brick wall and places his hand on it. "I want you to punch my hand as hard as you can." So the guy takes aim, winds up, swings and at the last moment, the foreman pulls his hand away and the guy slams his fist right into the brick wall. As he's rolling on the ground in pain, the foreman says "See, that's why I'm smarter than you." He sends the guy to the hospital to have his hand taken care of and he finally comes back about 3 hours later and goes back down into the ditch. His friend asks if he found out why they have to do all the work. He smugly replies "Yes, it's because he's smarter than us. But now I'm smarter than you because I learned a lesson and you didn't." His friend begs him to teach it to him and he finally relents. Looking around the ditch for something solid to place his good hand against and seeing only dirt, he finally holds his hand in front of his face and says "I want you to punch my hand as hard as you can..."


4. Bill Gates dies and is told that they can't decide where to send him, so they're going to let him choose. First he goes down to Hell and is pleasantly surprised to see people lying on the beach, beautiful women in bikinis, a bar with all you can drink, etc. Then he goes up to Heaven and sees people in white robes lying around on clouds playing harps. He decides that Heaven is boring and that Hell is more appealing to him. So they send him down and when he arrives, the place is full of fire and people screaming. As he's chained to a pillar and a demon takes up a position behind him with a whip, he shouts "Wait a minute!!! What happened to the beach with the beautiful women???" The devil replies "Oh, that was just the demo..."


5. A guy dies and is sent to Hell. The devil tells him that he can choose what punishment he'll have for the rest of eternity and takes him on a tour. In the first room he sees people being skinned alive, their flesh growing back to be peeled off again and again. In the next room he sees people being perpetually boiled in oil. As he views the various rooms, each punishment seems worst than the last. Finally, he comes to a room where people are standing neck deep in shit. The stench is sickening, but after all the other horrific punishments he's seen, standing in crap doesn't seem so bad. He tells the devil that he'll take this punishment and climbs down into the room. He's disgusted to find that it's all warm and squishy and smells even worse once he's inside the room. Just as he settles into place, a buzzer goes off and the devil announces "Ok, break time is over, everyone back on your heads!"


6. Back when Bill Clinton was president of the USA, he and Hillary were attending a baseball game. Before the start of the game, the umpire came over to the president's box, leaned in and whispered something in the president's ear. Bill's face lit up with a huge grin, he nodded his head enthusiastically then grabbed Hillary and threw her over the railing. The shocked umpire said "No sir, I asked if you'd like to throw out the first PITCH!"


7. President Clinton came back from a trip and when he got off the airplane, he had a small pig under each arm. When the guard met him at the foot of the stairs, Clinton smiled broadly and told him "See these pigs? I got one each for my wife and my daughter." The guard looked at the pigs for a second and then replied "Good trade sir!"


8. President Clinton was sitting in the oval office when one of his assistants came in and asked "Sir, what do you want to do about this abortion bill?" Clinton looked up with a panicked expression on his face and replied "Pay it. Pay it quick!"

9. Little Johnny's school is having show and tell, so the teacher starts a 'Guess Whats Behind My Back' game.
She goes to her desk and picks up an item. She says, "Okay class, what am I holding? It's RED, ROUND, and SHINY."
Little Johnny replies, "I know teacher, it's an apple."
The teacher replies, "No, Little Johnny, but I like the way you think."
So the teacher goes gack to her desk and picks up another item.
She says, "Okay class, what am I holding now? It's YELLOW, and SOFT." Little Johnny replies, "I know teacher, It's a banana."
The teacher replies, "No Little johnny. It's a tennis ball. But I like the way you think."
At this point, Little johnny is furious.
"Okay teacher, this one's for you." He stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "Okay. What am I Holding? It's ROUND, HARD, and has a HEAD." The teacher says, "Little Johnny! Go to the office right now! You are in BIG trouble!"
Little johnny replies, "For what teacher? It's just a quarter. But, I like the way you think."


10.Barney

1) Start with the given:
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666

Thus, Barney is Satan.

11. A woman is in a pet shop when she sees a beautiful parrot for a really low price. When she asks the clerk why they're asking so little for it, he explains that the parrot used to belong to a prostitute who kept him in a brothel, and so some people might find what he says to be objectionable. The woman wants up to his cage and says hello. The parrot looks at her and says "New Madame." The woman thinks this is cute and buys the parrot. When she gets him home, the parrot looks around and says "New Madame, new house." Later, the woman's daughters come home, the parrot looks at them and says "New Madame, new house, new girls." They all think this is cute and have a good laugh over it. That evening, the woman's husband comes home. The parrot looks at him and says "New Madame, new house, new girls... Hi George!"


ps: i got these from a forum. These are not my original uploads.

[shan]

good ones at once man

wife- with the idiote for ever ( this is what women tells)
wife- without information for ever

[nivek_hcerg]

lol i like joke number 9

[ding-dong]

The Kiss

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is
staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"

She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and
have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just
about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I
would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that -

1) you have to be single and

2) you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween
party!"

[nivek_hcerg]

Rooooooooooooooooooofl
OI wait a minute! my name is Kevin!

[ding-dong]

so your the one (kevin) who is hiding form a name of nivek_hcerg